I’m sorry for the rambling here. You don’t have to read this blog post if you don’t want to. Nobody is forcing you to. But, here you are, online stranger or person I know reading my work. I appreciate you. I thank you. I’m glad you do. Every hit I get acts as a boost of confidence to me and the work that I want to do in the future.
My mind can’t work out where it is at the moment. One moment, it’s really happy and the next, it doesn’t know if she’s doing the right thing or the wrong thing. I’m content in myself a great majority of the time. Every so often though, a niggle comes into my brain which I can’t get rid of. It makes me feel uncomfortable, concerned and I don’t know how to shift it.
I’m not really sure what’s causing it. Is it friends? People around me? Family? University? A lack of Starbucks as I give it up for Lent? Who knows. The feeling is the same every time. I can’t get the sensation out of my head that I’m doing something wrong and I’m disappointing someone.
I know I’m not. If anything, I’m constantly there for people. I’m only a message away and I’ll reply to you quickly. I’ll tell you what you want to hear and I’ll try my god damn hardest to be there for you, whether a minute or a few thousand miles anyway.
On the outside, I’m fine. On the inside, I can’t shake the idea that I’m not fine. I don’t know if it’s just because my hormones are a bit mad right now or whether I should have deep concern for something but I can’t work things out. Normally, I’m good with this kind of thing. I know where I stand and I remain there to not make a situation awkward or step a toe out of line. I’ll flash you a smile and show you a cute outfit.
It’s not that I’m not getting the same back. I feel so loved by all of those around me. I’m thankful for the relationships I’ve made and the relationships I’m making out here. I’m beyond lucky to be where I am right now. Yet, there’s a little person inside my head giving me self-doubt that is majorly taking control.
Things will all be fine, they will be. I’m certain of that. Yet as I choose to do things to allow others to do what they need or want to, I can’t help thinking I’m being too selfless. I know I need to let others enjoy and appreciate their life OBVIOUSLY. I don’t want to stop that from happening. I just want reciprocity. A figurative pat on the back. This is all silly because I do get that, but at the moment it just doesn’t feel like it.
It’s okay to feel a little bit lower than normal, things happen and plans change and thoughts come and go so fast that we’re not the same person we were an hour ago.
My mind can’t get certain thoughts out of its head. I’m not too sure what I’m trying to say with this blog post at all. I just needed to get it out into the public domain (of course) and hopefully I’ll feel better once it’s published. I want a hug and a kiss and a well done sometimes, that’s not a bad thing is it?
It also doesn’t happen that I have the playlist “Timeless Love Songs” on Spotify as I play it. It’s a corker of a playlist but my emotions are everywhere and I’m on my period and I can’t have a stable thought for more than about 10 minutes.