I can’t help falling in the L word with you.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this and I’m not too sure if I’m all that confident in publishing it, but let’s step out of my comfort zone. I’m constantly telling myself to be the best person I can be. In all facets of my life, I want to keep improving, help other people and work hard. I want nothing to distract me. I want to have my own ‘journey’ so to speak. I know I’ll get to where I want to be, it may take me longer than others or crazily faster than I could ever imagine, but I can achieve all I want to.

I don’t hold many mantras in my life. One of the things I hold to myself is that if I didn’t regret something when I did it, then how can I regret it in the future? There’s a reason why I did the action that I chose to do, and I have to stick to my gut. My gut instinct doesn’t fail me, it knows what it wants and it knows what it deserves. If you want to do that thing, do it. The irony of not wanting to publish this yet wanting to publish this is so strong with this post, I can only apologise. How can I regret something I wanted to do? Yes, I can look in hindsight and reflect on whether it was a good or bad decision, but I can’t regret it. To regret something is to be disappointed over something that has happened or been done. To be disappointed is to not have your hopes and dreams fulfilled.

I’ve been disappointed over many things. Plans that haven’t happened. Clothes that wouldn’t fit because I’d gained weight. Job/internship applications that I hadn’t been successful in because I quote: didn’t have enough experience. I’ve been disappointed with the political situations, teachers that I’ve had and the way that I’ve been represented by others.

Recently, I’ve found myself looking at people who I used to like. I don’t know why I’m torturing myself. Is it the social media paradox? We like to look at other people’s profiles and see how well they’re doing in order to make ourselves feel better. For the purpose of this post, I’m going to give him the name Thomas. It’s not his name, obviously. Yet, it’s my surname and it’s the first thing that I could think of.

Thomas used to talk to me all the time. Thomas used to message me, ask me if I was okay, use the aubergine emoji and devil emoji as if they were going to die in a week’s time. Opening my phone in public sometimes was a challenge, would I be confronted with a sext out of nowhere? Being in Thomas’ presence made my day, he introduced me to his friends and told me all about his life. He came up with potential plans for us, I got excited. He was everything that I thought a man could be, I truly believed I’d found the ‘one’. Locking lips was like locking the key into my heart, the first time we actually spoke in person I felt so lucky. Gazing into your eyes warmed my heart to no end.

I’d talk constantly about Thomas. All the time. Thomas was constantly on my mind. Then Thomas, for no reason decided to slowly stop talking to me. The smart, handsome man that I was connecting to was beginning to distance himself. It felt as though the friendship rope between us was being pulled apart, fraying in the middle but just holding on. Every so on, there’d be a hey and a smile as we passed each other on campus. It wasn’t that often, but it was enough to feel appreciated.

Christmas happened. Thomas stopped talking. Granted, I hadn’t exactly messaged him. I wasn’t going to ignite the flame just on my end, I didn’t want to come across as needy.

I see Thomas’ profile every so often. Thomas is in a loving, happy relationship with his beau. Thomas couldn’t be happier, he’s madly in love with the girl of his dreams. Where’s Sophie? Trying to get over the love she felt for Thomas a year on.

I don’t feel ‘regret’ with this whole situation. At the time, I genuinely felt I had the man of my dreams and I could see us together. Fuck, I even imagined us on holidays together and posing for formal photos and hashtagging #couplegoals. Do I feel disappointed? Yes. I feel disappointed that I was duped. I can’t believe that I was led on by a boy for so long who told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious when the discussion of relationships then he enters a committed relationship soon after we stopped talking.

I’m not dumb. I hope she’s what you wanted out of a woman. I don’t regret falling for you, but I’m disappointed I fell for you so hard and that the feeling hasn’t gone. I don’t know what I see in you anymore, but I can still see the future.

My head’s in an odd place, I think I know what I want but I have no idea what I want and how to do it. I don’t believe in a God, but I believe that being a nice person to those around you will encourage positivity towards you and a happier life. My whole situation right now is unlike anything that I’ve ever felt for a variety of reasons and Bad Decisions by Ariana Grande is playing as I type this and I’m daydreaming of what could be. I want that. Give me that.

I think you’re what I like. 

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