Dealing with Self-Failure

Hey everyone, and a happy Summer holiday to you! It’s lovely to be at home, wallowing in the environment of not having to cook, wash up, do my laundry, stress about the million tasks I have to fit into 24 hours; instead, I can lie on the sofa and watch Netflix and have family time which I so desperately craved throughout Term 3.

The first official day of the holidays also saw me receiving my results back, and it’s more than fair to say, I’m disappointed in myself. I honestly thought that I’d done just a little bit better than what the results said, but the email does not lie. Well, in this case, I wish it would.

In ‘normal plebeian’ terms, I’m a huge success. I’ve managed to get through GCSE’s, A Levels, the first and second year of university, and I’m going abroad to fulfill a life-long dream. I have nothing to worry about; the world is my oyster, and I can only be thankful for this. Yet, to me, I’m failing myself.

I entered exam season feeling confident. I knew that I knew my arguments, my essay structure and how to get that elusive 2:1. Yet, imagine my exam season as me on a running track, where the finish line is the 2:1. But, the last metre of the track hasn’t quite yet been built. The basic structure is existing, but the sturdiness of the track cannot carry me through. I think that’s a perfect analogy to stress that I GOT A 2:2 because I was HALF A POINT FROM A 2:1. Livid doesn’t explain it. 

For Warwick, this is uncouth. Getting a 2:2 means a lifetime of confinement to the Warwick naughty step to think about my bad behaviour. There’s one main question I have though, HOW??? 3 of my modules were solid, I’m happy with how they went. But, the fourth… absolutely disappointed. I don’t know how I flunked; I gave it my all. Yes, granted, it was not my favourite module, and is potentially the hardest thing I’ve ever studied. At the time, Year 11 economics was hard, but studying three countries at the same time was very hard.

As soon as I found out my results, I did have a little cry on my bed. Embarassing, I know, but I really felt that I’d done enough to at least break through the 2:1 glass ceiling. Instead, I’d given it a punch, but the shards of glass are still in my hand, holding the key to the self-failure. I’m wallowing in self-pity. I know that I’m my biggest critic, I know I’ve not let anyone down apart from myself. But, I feel as though I have. I can’t shake off the feeling that everyone expected me to do so much better than I did.

Dealing with self-failure is excruciating. Over the past 2 days, there’s not been a moment go by where I’ve thought ‘could I have done this?’ or ‘did you write everything there?’. Who knows. I was HALF A POINT AWAY from the result I wanted.

It’s not the situation that I wanted to be in, and without bragging, I don’t think anybody expected me to be in. It’s easy to pull it back, granted. All I need is to scrape a 2:1, and I’ve got a 2:1 (hooray for a super high 2:2 and the averaging system). Hopefully, in 2 years time, this horrible feeling of self-failure will all be worth it, and I’ll be graduating in a Self Portrait gown, looking at my Mum and Dad’s beaming smile in the audience.

If anything, I’m still a little bit shocked. I keep reading the email, expecting it to change suddenly; getting a ‘Sorry’ email and that my mark has changed and I can walk around with my head held high. But, with every success story I see, I don’t see a matching feeling of self-failure. It would be odd to see lots of it on social media, as social media is the way in which we filter what we want the world to see/judge of us. However, I can’t help feeling a little bit more shit about myself whenever I supposedly see that I’m the only one who didn’t achieve what they wanted.

Sorry guys for the stream of consciousness, just needed to get it off my chest and share to the world my feelings. After all, that is why I created this blog. Here’s a piece of happy music to cheer you and me up!

Enjoy,

Sophie x

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